Pitter – patter the day drowns in melancholy
Stuttered the words escape from my parted lips
Silent nights have a thunderous echo
Slowly – slowly the time has been playing me
When heaven has nothing to do
It starts to redo
All the catastrophes
That I have been through
The clouds have joined in for an illegal gamble
It rains cats and dogs and they want me too.
When I stand here with these awakened scars
My only hope remains in the glittering stars
Would one of them drop and grant my wish?
Or will I again be standing alone in this?
I am eating myself more than others
I think of myself as a stranger
I know it is going to be disastrous
The aftermath of awaiting danger
The days are passing
Memories are flashing
I am impaired to visualise
As my consciousness is spazzing
I do not know where it has driven me
But one day hopefully
I will stand tall again
With myself and all my friends.
Lavenders, rose beds, the petrichor of first rain
Northern lights, snowflakes and the sublime terrain
Every moment the beauty prospers
Nature has a lot to offer
Living in the placid space, I often look up and say
If I ever had a chance to ask, I would wish for a forever stay.
The way it makes me elevate from grief and sorrow of the day
With a slow whisper of wind, all the atrocities go away.
It really takes a vision to see
The miracles Earth keeps hidden beneath
It only takes you and me
And our amalgamation to acclaim everything
Since the land had taken its nascent breath
It has nurtured more than a million beings
Though the creatures have withered and renewed themselves
Nature has never stopped its proceedings.
Sometimes, I go down barefoot
To feel the softness of fogged grass
These small interactions with my surroundings
Gets me out of the morass
I never thought something as usual as water
could heal me from within
Did not know that getting close to the ground
would bring me back to my skin.
It is true when it is said that nature does wonder
It can do anything from heaven to roots
If it could reconstruct a wanderer
I am just like you. For the most part, my life is totally normal. I have a precocious father, a solicitous mother and a younger sister who helps me get over my despondency. I have benevolent classmates who support me in toing and froing in life. I am a teenager with big dreams and overwhelming energy. I come from nowhere but I want to conquer the world. In this tiny brain of mine, there goes everything which should and should not be there. Like I told you, I am just like you. I have a totally perfectly normal life except, I believe that life has given me more lemons than anyone.
I remember walking down the school hallway on the first day when I came across this group of students who talked in a language which was quite incongruous with me. It was modern English with words like ‘gonna’ and ‘lol’ and some other words which I later got to know should not have been there. I looked over them and darted towards my classroom. To my surprise, I was not welcomed and it felt as if I was just a weed in the meadows for the students there. The environment was quite distressing and every minute that passed filled me with anxiety about what the future held for me. I reckon that was the point where it all started.
Since my childhood, there had been no instance that had not made me feel like I have got no shoulders to cry on except for my mother’s and for a typical teenager, it is almost impossible to find a friend in the family. From nine to thirteen years of age, there had been no day that I had spent without crying in my mother’s lap about how outcasted I felt in school.
Those were the days when clothes of thirty – four sizes did not fit me and I had to quest the women’s section to find the clothes that were my size. As the ritual goes, I had many other names like ‘baby elephant’, ‘dinosaur’ etc. which did not sound good with my surname so I had to do something to undo this. I spent sleepless nights and melancholic days perturbing about the creative ways in which they were going to make me realise how ostracized I was. I found myself even more eliminated and I started living in the constant fear of ‘ not fitting in’.
As I have already mentioned that in this tiny brain of mine, there goes everything which should and should not be there, I found a terrific way out of my misery which actually felt right at the moment. Even though my gut feeling was astute enough to tell me that I was wrong but I decided to acknowledge my heart and that was one of ‘The 3 Mistakes of My Life’.
I went on a water diet and hardly took a bite of something that I had to chew. Fats and oil were a big no for me and I remember that I would even eat cucumber peels with lemon juice and only a pinch of salt to fill my stomach and not gain even a single calorie. Initially, my mother thought that all of this was “just a phase” and I would return to my normal eating habits eventually but to her dismay, that never happened. In those two years of no nutrition and forced physical activity, I came down from thirty-six to twenty-six. This dramatic difference of straight ten inches down gave me provisional ecstasy but that amateur brain did not know the art of foresighting.
I grooved in the incipient attention that I was drawing towards myself and I was finally happy to ‘fit in’.
But everything has a consequence and so did this. I stopped growing at five feet, I developed an eating disorder, my immune system was weaker than ever and I was now vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses ranging from physical to psychological. I ended up wounding the only real relationship I had with my mother and started finding refuge in others. I was so stirred by the unanticipated changes that I ended up having the set of friends which I wish I never had. I could have backed out but they did not tell me that they thought more bad than good for me and I did not care to talk about this with the only person who could prevent me from falling into the vicious cycle of the neverending darkness.
These friends kept talking way too much and said I should give up everything that put me under the category of a good student. According to them everything which I had grown up learning that they were good made me quite ‘uncool’ to remain in their circle. You might call this naiveness but I call it ‘digging a pit for myself’ that I trusted the people whom I knew only for a couple of weeks over the natural instincts that I was born with. You might have heard people forging their goodness but
I forged immorality just to ‘fit in’.
When the whole world bad – mouth the pandemic we went through, I believe it was the one good thing which happened after entire three years of turmoil. Staying at home, under the strict surveillance of my mother, I had no chance to do anything which was not meant to be done. I would get noticed if I did something that was out of bounds. I am thankful that my mother was over-involved enough to notice that everything about me was wrong. I was shaken out of the illusionistic ecstasy and was kept grounded for months. This period not only brought me back to my senses but also made me realise who I truly was. You know, what was the best thing which happened? Well, my mother and I got back together and this time there was no stepping back. We could now share everything with each other, talk about all the things people my age prefer only to discuss with friends and even enjoy daily soaps together on our ‘girl’s day’. My mother is my best friend now and it might be that I had been looking for gold in the grot for all those years.
I have this message for all the teenagers out there.
Life is a word of only one syllable but it comes with one million problems altogether. It is like riding a swing, one moment you are at the top of the world and at the other you are way behind everyone.
You will have to understand that all of us are built differently and we were never born to ‘fit in’. Instead, God has tried his best to make you as different as possible from everyone so that when he calls you back to him, he relishes the success of variety that he had put his efforts into.
It is not like everything is equivalent to a fairy tale now. I still get called out for being very strict with my conduct as well as of others. Sometimes, I even get pointed out for being so open to my teachers that I tell them everything, even the things which they asked me not to. I rarely find anyone who shares the same frequency of thoughts as me except for one of my teachers who played a major role in bringing me back to life from doom. Life never stops giving you lemons, all you have to do is to make a wonderful lemonade of lessons out of them, laugh at how silly you were, take a sip of that mindful drink and move on. I still do not ‘fit in’ but at least now,
I am just like you and for the most part, my life is totally normal.
(lots of love)